Chapter 18: You make him happy
A turbulent wave of emotions swept through me; disbelief, shock, horror, as I absorbed her words. Only one word rang in my head; cancer. Millions of letters appeared in my mind but my mouth couldn’t seem to form the words, the words to find out more. I didn’t know how long I sat there in the midst of the rush and bustle of women grabbing colorful clothes, everything seem to fade in comparison. It couldn’t have been for more than a few minutes but for me, it lasted an eternity.
Everything seemed to blur around me and I stumbled, falling down on my butt onto the cold hard tiles until warm hands pulled me down into a sitting position, trying to calm me down. “Ari. Ari. Are you alright?”
It was as if the dam had been smashed open and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing anymore, no matter how much I willed everything to go away. I could roughly see Lorraine pink shirt in front of me but I could have been wrong. I couldn’t see anymore; the tears wouldn’t stop flowing, blocking my vision. I shuddered and took in a few deep breaths.
“..How?” I finally managed to croak out.
Isabella’s worried face zoned into my vision; she glanced anxiously at Lorraine and back at me.
I understood what she wanted.
“Lorraine. I’m fine. Really, I am. Go on and continue shopping. I’ll catch up with Isabella for a while.”, my voice cracking with raw emotion.
The look on her face was dubious, “Are you sure?”
“Yes. Yes.” My dismissal of her was painfully obvious.
She walked away hesitantly, occasionally glancing back at me worriedly. I gathered some comfort from her concern but barely. Blinking back tears, I stared at Isabella, willing her to explain. “Tell me.”
She took in a deep breath and said, “My brother was diagnosed with Acute lymphoblastic leukemia two years before. That was why my family moved away, to get better treatment for Ford. But, even then, his health continued to deteriorate. From then onwards, Ford’s womanizing ways got worse and worse. It was only recently, when you re-entered his life, did he change..”
She paused and smiled, “I am truly thankful for that. He actually laughed when he spoke of you, his true laugh, you should have heard it..” Ford’s sister trembled, “You make him happy. I was so relieved to see my brother letting down his mask and smiling for once.” Isabella trembled for a moment before continuing, “Then the doctor announced last week that the cancer cells had started to spread and mutate beyond control, Ford only has a …” A tear escaped her eye, “He only has a few more weeks to live.”
The words slammed into my body as I helplessly clung on to Isabella. It took all of my willpower to keep from crying out loud. I could hardly believe it.. How could it be? Ford had always seemed happy and outgoing; the idea was so absurd to even imagine that he would be leaving the world, leaving me..
“Promise me.” A plead on her face, “Promise you won’t tell anyone else.”
I was so dizzy it was hard to concentrate, her words continued to swirl around in my head. I tried to breathe normally. I need to concentrate to make sense of her words.
It was then realization hit me; the cheerful face that Ford put on everyday was just an act for everyone to see. He didn’t want anyone to pity him for what he had become; it must have been tortuous all along to keep his emotions in check, to not have someone to share his pain with, to not have someone to comfort him.
This time, I couldn’t control the hysterics.
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I couldn’t remember how I got home that day. I woke up the next day drenched in tears, curled up in a fetal position, continuing to cry myself to sleep before waking up and repeating the same cycle.
It wasn’t till later when sunlight finally shone through my window; Lorraine had barged into my room and ripped apart the curtains, did I emerge from the haze of guilt and sorrow. I cracked open my eyes — finally dry — and met my best friend’s anxious eyes.
I couldn’t meet her gaze when she questioned me. I had promised on my soul and I would carry the secret to my grave if I had too. Thankfully, Lorraine understood and didn’t continue her interrogation. She knew I would tell her if I could.
She handed me her sidekick, her pink-coated fingernails covering the speaker, “It’s Knight, do you want to…?”
I took the phone from her.
“Hey.” I said, my voice a husky whisper from overuse.
“Ri.” He sounded relieved, “I’ve been trying to call you, is there something wrong with your phone?”
“No. I just forgot to switch it on.”
He chuckled, “You’re alright, then?”
“Yep. I’m fine. Great as ever.” I tried to put on a perky voice.
“You do know that you’re a bad liar, don’t you.”
I smiled, it was just like him to see through me, “Really. I’m fine. I’ll see you tomorrow at school, alright?”
“I get it. You’re trying to dismiss me, aren’t you?” I could almost see him place his palm over his wounded heart.
I giggled, “No! Of course not.”
“Finally, a laugh from my girlfriend.” I never failed to smile whenever I heard him call me that. He paused for a while, “I’ll see you tomorrow, then. I love you.” Before I could actually process his words and form a reply, he hung up.
“Beep. Beep. Beep” The phone rang a few more times as I stared blankly at Lorraine’s sidekick, my mouth unconsciously widening into a big smile.
Did he just…?
“What? What? What did he say?” Lorraine continued to pester me as I stared mouth gaped open, eyes smiling at her phone. Her eyes narrowed when I didn’t answer her. Grabbing her phone, she checked her voicemail and played the only message.
I could hear him clearing his throat embarrassedly, his nervous voice speaking in a stutter, “Hey uh Ari, I didn’t really mean the last.. last.. three words I said. Not.. not that I don’t mean them. It’s just that I didn’t.. didn’t.. mean them but not.. not.. don’t mean them seriously.. Ah. What the hell! Ari, I do mean them. I meant every word I said.”
He paused and muttered darkly under his breath, “Most probably she didn’t even hear it.”
I giggled happily, he was just adorable when he was nervous.
“If you didn’t hear the last.. last three words.. I said.. then never mind. If you.. you did.. Just call me alright.” The voicemail ended.
“What? Was he stuttering?” Lorraine stared at her phone in disbelief and then swiveled her gaze at me before staring back at her phone. She gave a very bemused and confused look, “What did he mean by meaning them but not meaning them?”
I grinned and held out my hand for her sidekick, she climbed onto the bed beside me, dialing his number before handing it to me. I placed the phone to my ear and waited.
“Hey Ari, is that you? Uh. I.. Did you hear the last.. last three words? If you did.. did, I don’t really mean them.. not that I don—”
I giggled, interrupting his flustered stammer, “It’s alright, Knight. I love you too.”
“Oh. I.. I um..”
“I’ll see you tomorrow.” I laughed into the phone and hung up.
“Oh my god. Did he say what I think he said?” Her mouth hung wide open. She had been eavesdropping with her ear plastered to the side of the Sidekick.
“Yes. He did.” I blushed.
We looked at each other, wide grins plastered on our faces and we burst out into giggles together. And so the horrendous shopping trip was pushed into the back of my mind. I was utterly glad that I had Knight to make me smile and laugh.
What I didn’t know was, that was about to change. Drastically.
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The next morning, I entered the school compound with a heavy heart, deciding to deal with Ford the first thing after my classes.
Going through the tortuous classes was unbearable; knowing what was awaiting me after the school bell rang and having an intuition that everything was going to fall apart in my own pair of hands. Finally, the last class ended and students stormed out of the class. I sat there, staring at my notebook until I knew I could no longer do so anymore.
I walked out of the classroom, knowing full well where I would find Ford.
There he was, at the courtyard, hands casually stuffed in the pockets of his pants, head tilted up, staring at the sky quietly.
The second I saw his familiar face, the words started to burst out of my throat indignantly before I could even control them. “Weren’t you even going to tell me?”
My voice rose. “What? You were planning to just disappear and then one day, I’ll find out that my bestfriend passed away?” The words came out in a strangled sob. I hadn’t even realized I had already begun crying. I stared at him painfully as the back of my hand wiped away the wet droplets from my cheeks angrily.
He didn’t bother to reply to my outburst, sneering, an ugly grimace that spoiled his boyish features, “My sister told you, didn’t she? Don’t feel sorry for me.” He started to turn and walk away.
I pulled him back, grabbing his sleeve, “I don’t pity you.” My eyes flashed with anger as I stared into his brown eyes, “Don’t you dare ever think that.” I paused and gathered my words, trying to put into words what I truly felt. “I just want to share your burden.”
Just like he had always done so for me.
The epiphany started to echo behind my voice.
He stared at me for a long moment, probing for my true feelings, as if contemplating my words. Ford finally smiled weakly, a mere shadow of his exuberant grin. His eyes yet telling a different story; eyes streaked with pain and sorrow.
There was silence for a long moment. What a scene we must have made, the two of us staring at each other quietly, deadly still and my hand grabbing the edge of his sleeve.
I could see him visibly take in a deep breath as he struggled with the next few words. The words that any guy would never want to say, especially not to a girl he loved.
“Go to Knight, Ari. He’ll make you happy… ..” He swallowed hard, “I can’t”.
I stood there stunned, eyes wide open as I adsorbed what he had said, staring wordlessly at him. He cupped my cheek, his thumb brushing against my skin in a tender caress, and gave me a chaste kiss on the lips; achingly sweet, before flashing his trademark boyish grin and walking away.
My knees started to tremble and I fell down to the ground, kneeling as I started to shake. Tears began to well up in my eyes once more while I stared at Ford’s back, moving further and further away from me, diminishing in size while tears continued blurring my vision. I didn’t know how long I was frozen in that position, nor did I have the heart to care.
How could I… … at the face of how deeply he cared for me.
Everything seemed to collapse on me at once, it was as if the memory block was smashed open and it all rushed at me, whether I wanted to recall it or not.
It was then I finally realized how serious he was about me. How unselfish he was. How much he was willing to give up for me. How much he wanted the best for me. How much pain he going through because of me. How much he wanted me to be happy.
My favorite bouquet of flowers, yellow swirls in pink
The can of purple grape soda.
His trademark boyish grin.
Memory after memory flashed in my mind, mocking at my existence, jeering at how selfish I was. The flashbacks whirled faster and faster, spinning out of my slippery grasp.
You would be the… gorgeous Arinea Jamison?
There’s only one girl out there for me, and I’m just waiting for her to realize that.
Congratulations, my little lion.
I love you, too, just in a different way, and nothing’s going to change that.
Tears dripped down my pale cheeks, every single crystallized droplet carrying a memory of us, dripping onto the ground, lost forever.
Go to Knight, Ari. He’ll make you happy. I can’t.
How much he loved me unconditionally.
I closed my eyes, but the tears kept on falling unabated, the memories flashing unrelentlessly.
He actually laughed when he spoke of you
You make him happy.
How much he needed me.
There was no sound or movement to warn me. Just as I had decided my course of action, out of nowhere, Knight’s warm hand stroked against my cold cheek,
“Ri? Are you alright?” Knight murmured, his voice anxious
Anxious and worried because of me.
A new sob broke from my chest. I was hurting everyone today. Hurting the people I loved with my own pain. And here I sat, crying my heart out, not doing anything to fix it, and hurting even more people in my selfishness. It was too late, much too late, but I had to do what was right now. I knew then what I had to do, no matter how much it would kill me.
Tears welled up in my eyes once more. He brushed away my tears with his knuckles gently, leaving trails of pain and despair on my cheeks.
I stood up wobbly, clinging onto his shoulders, clinging onto my anchor of support. Finally, I let go of his shoulders, closing my eyes, letting more tears fall and smatter. Taking in a deep breath, I gathered the strength to say what I needed to say.. to separate us and prevent him from hurting because of me.
Silently looking down on the ground, I finally opened my mouth, “Knight.”
I trembled as another crystallized tear fell from my cheek, “Let’s break up.” My voice, quiet but piercing saying those three words that sliced right through our hearts.
He stared, astonished at me, adsorbing the cruel words. The cruel words that confirmed our inevitable break-up. No matter how much I wished to, I couldn’t take back the words. Not now, not ever.
“Why?” He finally choked out, his voice breaking. His face still a smooth mask, yet his voice betrayed him.
“I’m sorry.” I had no explanation to give him, no matter how much my heart and soul longed to. I couldn’t…
“I. Don’t. Understand.” He enunciated each word painfully.
I stared worriedly into his eyes, trying to decipher the emotion that smoldered just beneath the surface. He gazed back, and the pretense suddenly slipped away. He was in pain — his angel’s face wrecked with sadness and despair. He was so devastated that it broke my heart into mere smithereens. I had willingly given up my anchor of support, and now I had to face the consequences.
My brain ceased to function and it felt like as if someone was constricting my windpipe. I had no idea how I managed to drag my feet to Lorraine’s house; one look at my face and she immediately realized what had happened. I was thankful that she didn’t ask any questions. Standing there, I felt both horror and despair as I recounted the past hour, dismayed at my actions, finally realizing the true extent of the devastation that I had left trailing behind me. The colorful photos lining the room seemed to fade out dizzily.
And then, everything went black.
© Copyright 2007 Elaine Pang. All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Elaine Pang.
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Chapter 19: Go out with me
“What the hell?!”
That was the very first thing that echoed in my ears when I placed a weary foot through the door that led to the familiar room. My eyes were still puffy and red with exhaustion from sobbing the entire afternoon. I bent my head tiredly. I had no strength left to argue nor explain myself.
I couldn’t even if I wanted to.
“Ari, what were you thinking? Wait.. you weren’t even thinking!” “Why the hell did you break up with him?” “Do you have any idea the state he was in?” “He made himself roaring drunk in an hour!” “Throwing and breaking things in the room.”
Their voices bombarded my trembling body.
How much hurt had I caused the people I loved?
I lifted my head wearily and stared back at them. “I’m sorry.” How many times had I repeated that word today?
“Sorry isn’t enough.” “You should have seen him!” “Fuck, Ari, what were you doing?” “Are you out of your mind?”
I blearily looked at them quietly, waiting for them to finish their rant. They stared back at me until they realized I wasn’t saying anything to defend myself. It was then that they actually looked at me and realized what a disheveled mess I was in.
Before they could open their mouths, I softly said, “I’m fine.”, before walking back to my room and locking my door.
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I didn’t know I managed to get up the next morning, it was probably because I knew I had to fix the problems I had caused and the fact that Lorraine refused to leave me alone in my depression. When I trudged to school today, I saw the same scene in the courtyard, just a few days ago, it seemed so far away now…
Pain, hurt and jealousy radiated from my body as I watched them from the car. Lorraine was hesitant; she didn’t want to leave me alone nor ignore the girls who were crouching on her territory. I smiled weakly and quickly set her right, pushing her in their direction before heading off towards the opposite pathway. I knew that everyone was watching by now, wondering why only the head cheerleader was with them. Summer immediately backed off when Lorraine approached them, it was almost comical.
However, the smug grin hanging off Jessica’s lips was an entirely different thing. Out of the corner of my eye, I could see the new couple engaged in a lip-lock. No hints about who they were. Pain and hurt tore through my body but I pushed them away. I got through my classes silently, everyone now knew that Arinea Jamison had a massive break-up with their resident bad boy.
I had indeed fallen from grace
I didn’t care nor bother about the sneers and hurtful words that were spoken in whispers around me. I had long expected them, it was nothing new after all.
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I finally found him after a long search.
His familiar handsome face that was no doubt unsurprised to see me. He stood up the minute he saw my shadow, wanting to escape, expecting me to once again feel pity for him. Before Ford could walk away once more, I grabbed his shirt, dragging him back and hugged him tightly, refusing to let go. He stiffened but reluctantly relaxed and returned my embrace eventually, his warmth surrounding me as mine did to him.
We took comfort in the silence for a few minutes, the small breeze ruffling our hair and the distant chirping of birds.
“Ford. Please, let me share your burden. Don’t..” I choked as tears shimmered in my eyes as I inhaled his familiar scent of soap, fresh linen and cinnamon. So different from the one whom my heart belonged to.
I took in another breath, “Don’t go through this alone. Please.”
This was the only deed I could do for him.
You make him happy.
A tear silently trekked down my cheek.
“Go out with me.”
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Lorraine Taylor
“You have to know something. Lorraine, please, tell me what’s wrong with.. Ri.. Arinea.” He choked half-way, “Why did she and Ford disappear at the same time?”
I could only meet his gaze sympathetically. After my best friend had made her brothers and I swear upon our lives not to tell anyone the reasons behind her absence from school, I had dutifully done my task and sealed my lips shut.
“Knight, she’s fine. They’re.. they’re both fine.”
In a way…
Even so, I hated lying my heart out, but if it was what Ari and Ford needed, then I would do so. Ford didn’t need anyone to bother him with their pity.
Annoyance and displeasure flashed through his face and the previous memories of him smashing the furniture in anger ran through my mind.
I backed away in shock, “Don’t lie to me, Lorraine. The truth.”
But I couldn’t, no matter how much I longed too. After spilling her heart out to me, Arinea confessed her reasons for the break-up. I didn’t believe her in the beginning, I didn’t want to believe her. It was unimaginable to even think that Ford, the ever outgoing playboy was … …
It still hurt to even think of it.
It broke my heart to see my best friend go through so much pain and hurt. To ease her burden, I would do anything for her, including separating her and Knight, even though I knew that he could bring her hope and joy. If she didn’t see him, then at least, she wouldn’t feel like she was missing something, and maybe some of her grief could be avoided.
I understood why she did those things. She knew that staying with Knight meant that she couldn’t spend time with Ford, not if she didn’t reveal Ford’s ailment, and Ford needed her. There was nothing else she could do.
“Now.” Knight raised his voice in anger.
I trembled but refused to speak.
“Knight. Calm down.” Thankfully, Aaron had heard his outburst and come to my rescue. I was glad to have him tide me through this tough period. A large part of me wished that Knight could be the same for Arinea. Sadly, they were not meant to be, at least not for a while.
Worried, I bit my lip.
I gave the man shielding me protectively a small smile, silently telling him that I was alright. Standing up and facing Knight, albeit shakily, I said. “I’m sorry, Knight You’ll find out when she wants to tell you.”
He cursed, “Aaron, you’re in this too.”
It wasn’t a question but a statement.
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Principal’s Address
“Good morning, ladies and gentlemen. I’m sure most of you have been wondering why the school board has called you into the hall for a briefing today. Sadly, I have very bad news to deliver. Ford Maxwell, one of our outstanding students… passed away yesterday.”
“As all of you have noticed, two of our students, Ford Maxwell and Arinea Jamison have been absent from school for a few weeks. Three years ago, Ford Maxwell was diagnosed with Acute lymphoblastic leukemia. It wasn’t until very recently when the cancer cells mutated out of control, did he find out that he had the final stage of cancer. Arinea Jamison, a good friend of Ford Maxwell was excused to accompany him in his last waking weeks.”
“Yesterday night, at around 9p.m, Ford Maxwell passed away holding the hands of his beloved family and friends. The vice-principal and I were present as well. Should any of the students require someone to talk to, Mrs. Loythn, our school counselor will be available for the whole week.”
“The funeral will be held at the Maxwell home starting from tomorrow to the end of the week. The bus service has also been arranged. At 2p.m tomorrow, please meet at the courtyard should you wish to attend the wake. The school will also be holding a memorial next week.
… … …
“Let us have a minute of silence now.”
© Copyright 2007 Elaine Pang. All rights reserved. Distribution of any kind is prohibited without the written consent of Elaine Pang.
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Basically, we're a trio of girls, namely initials JY, A and E, collaborating together to bring you smashing hits. Likening it to, turning fantasies into reality. (FIR)
JY, the most brilliant illustrator in the whole wide world, bringing into perspective our wildest of daydreams, painting colours and transforming our fantasies into reality. Has the amazing ability to come up with amazing ideas that astound the rest of us.
A, dreams of flying with dragons and walking with prehistoric dinosaurs, bringing life to the ancient world that existed before time. She has no affinity with romance, crudely put: she hates clichés with intense passion, which E seriously does not understand WHY.
E, dramatic flair for writing (likes to exaggerate = ), has her head up in the clouds most of the time, smacked back into the real world by A (literally), writes most of the romance parts and more.
All in all, we’re just a bunch of girls fooling around, trying to put our fantasies on paper, please forgive us for any mistakes, we’re newbies in this area. Thanks and enjoy.
We live in our fantasies.
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& Ongoing Stories
Title: A Whole New World by E
Genre: Cliche Romance
Summary: Transferring from a girls' school to a co-ed school , Ari has
too much on her hands. With four overprotective brothers, a social
ladder to remember, parties to crash and friends to meet, life is just
too complicated.
Title: Saurusa by A
Genre: Fantasy/Adventure
Summary: My name is Leira. I have a twin. We're different. Very
different. For example, I’m normal. She’s not. But, enough of that.
Boarding a plane and crashing on an island with weird creatures, where
my abnormal sister’s dreams start to come true...
Title: My Own Sweet Business by E
Genre: Romance Humour
Summary: She was just minding her own sweet business when he just had to kiss her on MTV live. Who cares if he’s a famous rock star, he’s still an insufferable bastard! In her eyes, that is.
Notes: This may or may not be continued, it was just one of those random moments when there's a burning sensation on my fingertips. So here it is, the idea kept on sticking in my head, the only way to get rid of it was to write it down. and quick (a record 15 minutes!) Thus, the grammatic errors and all, I've only gone through it twice so hopefully most of them have been eradicated. 'AWNW' will always take precedence if I do continue this. Even if I do, it'll be a short novel, 5 chapters max. I most probably won't, judging on the hectic schedule, but who knows?
& Upcoming Stories
Title: Ari's Story by JAYE
Genre: Fantasy/Romance
Summary: Coming-up-soon
& Comments
JY: Don’t expect anything yet. But soon, soon= I’ve yet to put it together, the plot is still entangled,Hee hee hee.
A: I wanna say that, ah wait, (Typed word for word by E)
E: Yes?
A: Okay Okay. I got it. I act like a kid and so are my thoughts and so my story is a little weird (At least I think it is), see for yourself. Grin
E: Ahh.. what should I say? Most of the stories are inspired by my daily life, most of them are played out in my mind before they’re typed out.. Anyway, this is my first time writing, so please excuse any mistakes. It’s just my silly fab-tasy.
Note: If there are any grammatical errors and weird sentence structures, no matter how nitty-bitty it is, don’t hesitate to inform us! We’ll correct it asap.
